all you need is love.

Nonchalantly unimportant.

I like the way you call me darling. I like the way you laugh at me, roll your eyes, and then move my hair out of my face. I like the way you kiss my forehead when I’m curled up on your chest. I like the way you love kissing me. I love that you’ve been my best friend for so long. And I love our history.

But I don’t know if I like you, or I like the fact that I haven’t had something like this in a while. My heart’s still lost somewhere. I gave it away, and I don’t know if I’ll ever get it back. I’ve lost all faith in true love and in true feelings. I’m numb to sensitivity, and I’m numb to the falling-for-you-butterflies effect. Nobody can have that effect on me.

But you might have. There are times when you leave me breathless. But that might just be my imagination wanting something to happen, its just my brain trying to force feelings on my heart. The heart that has been broken too many times. The heart that is lost, and not at a normal state.

I guess what makes you different is that you’ve watched all my heartache. But you’ve had your fair share of stabs at my heart too. And whose to say this isn’t just another stab at me? This would be the biggest stab, leaving me at the most vulnerable state to take it. 

And that stab would find what love can’t, my heart. Which isn’t fair, but its the truth. It’s like I’m in a place where I can’t move. I’m numb to giving all feelings, and I’m numb to accepting them with any sincerity. But I can accept pain, pain that I don’t understand why I feel.

This may all seem confusing, and quite honestly I confuse myself. I can’t think straight,  I don’t feel right. I can’t feel hardly anything at all. I’m just going through the motions, hoping to love again, hoping to be taken care of, hoping to have some sort of happily ever after. 

I just want to get past this, have a mended heart, and be at a normal state again. I’m tired of being numb or moody, but never truly happy.